(400 million people are expected to gather at the confluence of the Ganga, Yamuna, and Saraswati rivers near the city of Prayagraj for a holy dip from January 13 to February 26, 2025. This 45-day festival is called Kumbh Mela. I will be visiting it from February 1-5, 2025.)
Why should I discuss “confronting fear”? On January 29th, a stampede occurred at the Kumbh Mela during one of its most auspicious days. More than 30 million people had already gathered near the confluence by 1 AM on that day. Unfortunately, more than 30 people died in this mishap. It was a devastating tragedy. While I was grief-stricken, many friends reached out to check on my safety and expressed their concern for my well-being. At the time of the stampede, I was in Mumbai and unaffected by the tragedy. The administration quickly contained the situation. I plan to travel tomorrow for five days as per my original plan.
I want to assure you that I remain undaunted and would like to share my journey of confronting fear.
It was Friday, December 14, 2018. I eagerly anticipated attending a social event at a quaint church in Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb. During the event, my breathing suddenly became labored, and a sharp pain shot through my heart. I was having a heart attack. What followed was standard protocol. An ambulance arrived promptly; I was rushed to the nearest hospital, where doctors inserted a stent. What wasn’t routine, however, was my unusual state of mind: I felt no anxiety about the future, no questioning of “what” or “why,” no yearning to live, no fear of dying. It never crossed my mind that I might not see my wife’s serene face or my children again. It was not routine that I was joking with my surgeon, while I was on the surgery table. I was lucky. I was simply oblivious to the fear.
Two years later, our friend Manoj suddenly dropped a bombshell on our close friends’ WhatsApp group. His wife Jyothi, a Vedant teacher, had been diagnosed with stage-four cancer and given no more than a year to live. It was a stark and desolate message, the kind that sucker-punches you and leaves us all reeling, struggling to process the information. After sharing this news, Manoj posted her recent Zoom recording (1). In the video, her voice was calm and peaceful with the demeanor of unwavering assurance. She smiled even while describing her excruciating pain, her eyes brightening as she spoke about death. She stated, “Birth and death are two sides of the same coin. Since one cannot exist without the other, death should be celebrated as much as birth.” I had never heard of such an open, transparent, unabashed and blatant “celebration” of death. Her words were profound. “Since we don’t know when death will appear at our doorstep,” she continued, “we should transcend time by focusing solely on the present moment, letting go of past and future.”
But, wait a minute! I’m not Jyothi! I’m not enlightened! These techniques are challenging to practice, despite my earnest efforts. The journey remains long and arduous. As a first step, I’ve begun to confront and embrace pain and fear directly. During my long-distance backpacking trips, I regularly envision a snake slithering into my sleeping bag. Will this mental preparation help me overcome anxiety and fear on the trail? Can I maintain composure in such situations? I’ve started openly sharing my experience with a “widow-maker” heart attack, both verbally and in writing. I’ve also had candid conversations about mortality and death with my wife Anjali and our children. These explorations of fear and death continue.
Then I embarked solo on the 2,200-mile Appalachian Trail with a strong support of my wife. I had a long list of fears. The fears were numerous: another “widow-maker” heart attack in a remote area, complications with my metal knee replacement, gout attacks, a frozen left shoulder, potential skull fracture on Pennsylvania’s treacherous boulders, the impending emergence of billions of cicadas, the solitude of hiking alone, encounters with poisonous rattlesnakes and camouflaged copperheads, bear confrontations, rats in shelters, bee stings, and tick-borne diseases. The list seemed endless.
Through mental training, I systematically bulldozed these fears. Period.
A fearless mind revealed an unexpectedly beautiful world. I observed the glossy-coated bear with wonder, listened to snake rattles as attentively as beloved Bollywood melodies, and walking on the trail itself became a life-time experience! Fearless mind also taught me to live in the moment! No anxieties of the future, no concerns of the past! 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, one breath, one step at a time! Literally! Without realizing it, I had internalized the challenging yogic practice of living in the present moment.
Now I face the sobering reality of the Kumbh Mela stampede as I prepare for my own journey there. Will I have a life-time experience, or will it all be swept away in my fear? Will I achieve self-discovery, or will the crowds cloud my mind? Should I embrace the experience of immersing myself in the Ganges while honoring my ancestors, or should I skip the dip in Ganga? Will I have no stress, no fear, no scare, full focus, full fun and extreme alert, or my mind will be filled with unnecessary anxiety?
What do you think?
– Nitin Anturkar (January 31st, 2025)
– Jyothi’s video on “Disease, Distress and Death”:
Very well written Nitin.
Most of decisions get guided or at least influenced by fear. In my opinion, there are three fundamental fears (and there are 4-6 secondary fears) that drive our mindset. These three fears are: Fear of death (own death or that of near & dear ones), Fear of Poverty ( not being able to live life with the level of comfort we have gotten used to) and fear of criticism (what will others say).
When one overcomes these fears, the life has “No Limits”.
As the great Saint Ramadas Swami said in मनाचे श्लोक
भये व्यापले सर्व ब्रह्मांड आहे
भयातीत तो सन्त अनन्त पाहे
You have been on a journey to conquer these fears. I am sure Kumbh-Mela is another step in that journey.
I wish you all the best and an enjoyable physical, material and spiritual experience in Prayagraj.
Mandar
All the best.
Har har Mahadev 🙏🙏
I think you have surpassed all fears. So kymbhmela will be another milestone of your spiritual journey.
Very well written Nitin, as always. I am sure you will enjoy the devine experience of Amrut Snaan at Mahakumbha and share it with us. We all look forward to your next blog. All the best and take care.
🙏ॐ नमः शिवाय 🙏
I think you will have the most unique and memorable experience. Go for it.
Be safe. Enjoy.
Nitin,
I wish you a safe and rewarding trip to the Kumbh Mela. When you come back, I am sure you will have unique experiences to share with us. We await eagerly to read your reflections.
Overcoming fear is a huge achievement, especially fear of death. I am reminded of Yaksha Prashna in Mahabharat. When asked what is the most surprising thing in the world, Yudhishthir answers: “Day after day, countless people are going to the abode of Yama, yet those that remain behind believe themselves to be immortal. What can be more wonderful/surprising than this”
All versions of Vedanta deal with the issue of death as does Buddhism. Indeed, all religions have something to say about death. There are three options: (1) Nothing about a person survives after death. (2) Some aspect of a person, e.g., soul, consciousness, etc, survives after death (3) We cannot know whether 1 or 2 is true and so can choose to remain agnostic to either possibility. Vedanta and Buddhism come to somewhat different answers but living in the present moment is common to both of them. There is no doubt in my mind that this living in the present without regretting the past and worrying about the future is crucial to living well. It needs to be supplemented with other ideas and values to make for a more complete picture to guide one’s life.
From a scientific perspective, fear, including fear of death, is likely the result our evolutionary origin. It serves a purpose in terms of survival and propagation of our genes. To that extent, it is probably a good thing. But it also has the potential to cause significant problems, distortions, and damage in one’s personal life.
I was also reminded of a book by Earnest Becker entitled Denial of Death.
https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402
He was an anthropologist and studied societies. This book won him a Pullitzer prize. From a summary of the main thesis of the book:
“By the time of writing The Denial of Death, his ninth book, he had reached the conclusion that he had found a very important explanatory principle for understanding human behavior and human culture. This principle, summarized with extreme brevity, is as follows. Human beings are mortal, and we know it. Our sense of vulnerability and mortality gives rise to a basic anxiety, even a terror, about our situation. So we devise all sorts of strategies to escape awareness of our mortality and vulnerability, as well as our anxious awareness of it. This psychological denial of death, Becker claims, is one of the most basic drives in individual behavior, and is reflected throughout human culture. Indeed, one of the main functions of culture, according to Becker, is to help us successfully avoid awareness of our mortality. That suppression of awareness plays a crucial role in keeping people functioning–if we were constantly aware of our fragility, of the nothingness we are a split second away from at all times, we’d go nuts. And how does culture perform this crucial function? By making us feel certain that we, or realities we are part of, are permanent, invulnerable, eternal. And in Becker’s view, some of the personal and social consequences of this are disastrous.”
A very interesting way to critically understand Becker’s thesis is via David Loy’s commentary. Loy is a Buddhist scholar and so has an interesting take on Becker. Here is a link:
https://www.buddhistinquiry.org/article/bursting-the-bubbles/
Wishing you a very enlightening journey to the Kumbha Mela!
Pramod
Superb. Eye opener.
परमेश्वराच्या पायाची जातांना सर्व भार त्याच्यावरच टाकावा..चर्चिल म्हणत असत की fear is reaction and courage is decision..Nothing to fear but fear itself..सम्राट अकबराच्या साहसी कृत्यानंतर तो म्हणे की मी मुद्दाम साहस करतोय अणि बघतो मला न्यायचा विचार अल्ला चा आहे का..? सूरतमा जमवानु – जेवावे अणि काशीत मरावं अशी श्रद्धा असते लोकांची..जे मेले त्यांना मोक्षप्राप्ती झाली असेच त्यांच्या
घराचे समजतील..
प्रश्न आहे तो श्रद्धा म्हणजे काय ? पाहिल्या नसलेल्या पुण्यप्राप्तीसाठी आयुष्य संपवणे? निष्पाप लोक का गेले तिथे डुबकी मारायला..? फुकटात पुण्य मिळेल म्हणून..? जगजितसिंह यांच्या ओळी आहेत
सामने है jeese लोग बुरा kahate है !
jise देखा ही नहि उसे खुदा kahate है!
श्रद्धा ही dumd मंद असते.. आंधळा माणूस कधीही खड्ड्यात पडत नाही..प्रत्येक पाऊल विचाराने टाकत
चालतो..श्रद्धा मंदबुद्धी असते..तुमच्या सारखे डोळे उघडे ठेवून अभ्यास म्हणून जाणारे किती असतील..?
Good expression of past experiences…. And nice attempt to explore future fears.
I was one amongst many who checked where you were after stampade. I can’t claim to know you beyond tip of iceberg you are…. Spiritual journey continues for many births. It is sure that Kumbha Mela will be one big milestone.
Let’s share your experiences on your way back.
Wishing you all the best in your endeavours. You will be back in normal condition to write another story for us to go through.
To accept fear and yet be free of it… what a daunting concept! Your journey is par excellence. Best Wishes to you, Sir.
Isn’t it interesting that
Both FAITH and FEAR
demand YOU to BELIEVE
in something YOU CAN’T SEE
I think you are on the way to ‘self realisation’.
Looking forward to hear your ‘kumbh’ experiences.
Nitin dada Very nice expression of thoughts .
Namaskar:
Our dear friends Jyotsna and Mandar Phadke shared your website/adventures with us: my wife, Son and I.
Your blog on Kumbh Mela is excellent and we are looking forward to read more.
It is very admirable that you did over 300 miles on AT in spite of weak heart, knee replacement and gout! Congratulations! It was a great accomplishment! I enjoyed the travelogue on AT. I like your writing style and relevant commentary. Excellent narrative of your Leh expedition.
We have done multi day hut to hut long distance trekking within US and few other countries. So on some level we can relate to your experience: yes, nature welcomes, trail whispers and birds sing to you! (And sometimes there are rattlers and Bears too)
Happy trails!
Ashok Salvi
Namaskar:
Our dear friends Mandar and Jyotsna Phadke shared your website/adventures with us : my wife, our Son and I.
Your blog on Kumbh Mela is excellent and we are looking forward to read more.
It is admirable that you hiked over 330 miles on AT in spite of the weak heart, knee replacement and Gout! It was a highly praiseworthy accomplishment! Congratulations! I enjoyed reading your travelogue on AT. I liked your writing style and relevant commentary. Excellent narrative of your Leh expedition.
We have done multi day hut to hut long distance trekking within US and few other countries. So on some level we can relate to your experience. Yes, nature welcomes, trail whispers and birds sing to you! [and occasionally there are rattlers and Bears too].
Happy trails!
Ashok Salvi