I had restarted my trail on 23rd June from Duncanon, Pennsylvania. But after nine days and 60.5 miles through rocky northern Pennsylvania, I am terminating my attempt to complete AT thru hike within 365 days. Huge thanks to all of you for blessing me, rooting for me and wishing me for this task. I am safe because of your prayers.
After my previous unconscious fall (refer to Update 6 please!), my doctor did not find anything wrong with me, in spite of multiple tests. So, I went back to the trail keeping in mind my hydration needs. However, in these nine days on the trail, my poor health legacies have caught up with me. I scratched my right forearm during one fall from a slippery boulder. Fall itself is not a big deal. It is a normal occurrence on the trail. However, since I take anticoagulation medication, the blood kept trickling from the wound for several hours. Two other wounds on both my shins have also swelled due to internal bleeding. I have several patches of bruises all over my body. On another occasion, my right foot slipped and in controlling my fall, my left metal knee bent excessively. Now, it is in severe pain. I had sensed imbalance and slight dizziness in the last two years when I turned my head quickly or bent forward (Due to high BP or heart medication? Who knows?) That sense of imbalance amplified on boulders and eventually crossed my imaginary safety boundary line.
It was time to slow down and honor the safety commitment that I had made to my family and all of you. I will continue to hike sections of AT in 15-30-days intervals over next 2-3 years and complete the AT.
Abandoning a well-planned goal is never easy! But I already feel accomplished, rejuvenated, liberated and enlightened even with these 326 miles (525 kms) of hiking.
My biases have been demolished: I had just landed at 501 Shelter after 9.5 miles of dragging my feel in 110F heat index. AND then I saw six topless male hikers at the shelter. Every square inch of their body was covered with colorful tattoos. Hard rock music was blasting from their speakers. They were all smoking pot furiously. I cringed! Imagine my background! Raised in middle-class India, my life had been a unidimensional straight line from point A to point B. No twists, no smoking, no drugs, no alcohol until age 24, no rock music, no wild parties, nothing! AND here I was among pot smokers, removing my shirt and exchanging high-fives. Maybe it is my long beard, maybe a bruised, smelly, hairy body or maybe a thru-hiker demeanor! Whatever it may be, but we could have a long chat about music, various types of drugs, how they met each other and our general hiking experiences. One of them mentioned that his father is a priest, and he is a rebel. AND THEN Rain Man spoke. He said, “You know, Dude, I have simply immersed myself in one religion every year. Twelve religions in twelve years. I would read religious books, pray in churches and temples, and meditate. These religions no more hurt me, man!”
Oh my God! In just one simple sentence, this white dude on drugs taught a nerdy brown man the ultimate lesson of demolishing the biases. Imagine me becoming a Muslim next year! Then an atheist, a Buddhist, a Jew, a catholic, a Mormon and so on. OH MY GOD! It is a simple solution! Have a bias about “something”? Just experience that “something”! I suddenly felt that I met the closest person to God!
My fear is bulldozed away: I remember the date. It was Feb 8. Two months before my thru hike! My cardiologist wanted to do an Echo stress test, in which the heart is observed during intense exercise on the treadmill. After analyzing the results, he appeared worried. “Nitin, there is no blockage. Heart on the treadmill and at rest have identical behavior. But your ejection fraction is 35%. Forget AT! You may need surgery to place a pacemaker!” In my mind, I was screaming “WHAT!” But in reality, I told him quietly that I do not feel weird in my daily training. So, he tested me with a more accurate MUGA scan, which estimated my ejection fraction at 45%. I came home. I was confused! What should I trust? I was scared. I was losing confidence. I did not want to go to AT. Then Anjali gave me profound advice. “It is true that सर सलामत तो पगडी पचास (If your head is safe, you can wear fifty hats!) But there are very few people who are privileged to dream big! Do not give up your privilege. Go on the trail and figure out every day if you can continue!” That day, Anjali was my ultimate bulldozer!
I had a long list of fears. Another “widowmaker” heart attack in the remote part of the trail, broken replaced metal knee, gout attack, frostbite of right hand that starts becoming numb below 60F, occasional freezing of left shoulder, severe pain of weak nerves below ankles, skull fracture on Pennsylvania boulders due to imbalance, my brown skin, Interaction with people in rural USA, sudden knowledge of impending emergence of cicadas, solo hiking, crime on the trail, stepping on poisonous rattlesnake or camouflaged copperheads, staring at bears, rats chewing my toes in shelters, bee stings, attack on my nervous system by tick bites…. This freaking list of fears was very, very, very long. And then there were demons on the trail itself! Will there be water at the next stream? Will lightning strike me? Will my tent fly away in the thunderstorm? What about the baby-like cooing of those 15 porcupines walking around my tent at 2 am? Should I just stay back in shelter until the rain goes away and avoid slippery rocks?
All these fears were bulldozed away. Period.
One unimaginable outcome of a fearless mind was the incredible and beautiful world that suddenly opened up to me! I watched that shiny and furry bear with bewildered eyes, I heard the rattling of a snake as intently as I hear old Bollywood songs, and walking on the trail itself became a life-time experience! Fearless mind also taught me to live in the moment! No anxieties of the future, no concerns of the past! 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, one breath, one step at a time! Literally! Suddenly this hard yoga practice of living in a moment is imbibed in me without me ever realizing it!
I felt the Superpower: It all started at a distant horizon! There was a rumbling in the sky. A darker shadow was casting on bright fresh ferns on forest beds. Pinecone needles on the trail were turning into a mystical deep brown path. As if the dark blue sky farther away was reflecting from the forest into my mind. In a few minutes, the thunderstorm suddenly started with a bang. Loud cracking sound of a thunderbolt struck my ear drums. Downpour was intense. Wind was furious! Huge trees started swinging from one end to another. The jungle was filled with the sound of thousand squeaky doors from their huge trunks! I could not believe that all those million leaves could make such an ear-splitting and deafening sound. The rain was piercing my exposed hands with zillion needles. Small branches started flying off. The trail became a gushing stream. It was scary! Very, very scary! It was exhilarating, intoxicating and overwhelming at the same time! The most beautiful avatar of this forest! It dawned upon me like a lightning flash! It was a Tandava nritya by Lord Shiva (Scary dance by the Indian God) and I was a spectator right in the middle of it!
I had seen many avatars of the forest over the last 45 days! I certainly was closer to the superpower! I am 110% sure!
I experienced मौन (Silence) and शांतता (Tranquility): I practiced silence for 22 hours a day and I experienced tranquility for more than 1,000 hours on the trail. I woke up to the chirping of birds, I was startled when squirrels ran on dry forest beds, quiet drizzle and my rhythmic breathing sang in unison and my mind froze when cicadas screamed from top of their voice. All were superior manifestations of the rare commodity called tranquility! And how do you experience it? You shut up and let all other senses become hyperactive. What a way to live! What an opportunity! I now feel that tranquility in every bone, every blood drop, every cell of my body!
Borrowing the Marathi words of Prajakta Padgaonkar (ref: “माझा मराठीचा बोल” special group on Facebook),
“मौनात जे सौन्दर्य आहे, ते उपजत असे सृजन आहे. मौन हे केवळ काहीतरी अलंकारिक, काही करून बघावे असे किंवा एखादं नव्या छंदाचे साधन नसून मौन हे पुष्कळ आदिम आणि मूलभूत असे आहे. शांतता, म्हणजे आवाजाचा अभाव नसून, सर्व आवाजाचा एक उच्चतम बिंदु आहे. हयात एक आंतरिक लय आहे, एक सृष्टीशी तादात्म्य आहे आणि सगळ्यात महत्वाचे म्हणजे त्यात निसर्गाचे माग आहेत. शांतता ही एखाद्या डोहासारखी भासते, त्यात पुष्कळ खोल असे काही असते त्याच बरोबर त्यात काही गूढ आणि स्वतः च्या आतले काही ढवळून काढण्याचे सामर्थ्य आहे.”
“Silence is beautiful. It has a natural creativity. It is not just another experiment or a hobby. It is a basic and profound aspect of life. Tranquility does not mean absence of sound. It is the ultimate sound. It has one internal rhythm. It is one with nature. It is mystic and has a power to churn our soul.”
I have so many more stories. I learnt to have a mindset of “giving”, I met amazing people on the trail, I visited my family of college friends. There was humor! There was intense agony! There was a hard 37% gradient climb just to get water! There was heat! There was a wind chill of 3F! There was THE TRAIL! Stay tuned. This AT story is not yet finished!
(Credit: When I struggle to find exact English words for my thoughts, Jyotsna Diwadkar is my go-to friend.)
Very well written Dadhi. Thanks for sharing. With you in whatever you decide. All the best and look forward to more stories.
Dadhi, this whole experience must be awesome and 525 miles, it is a wonderful start. I look forward to your intermittent spells and continued traffic of episodes!!
Cheers
Ajay
Dadhi …. you are an inspiration to all of us. Truly amazed at your willpower, perseverance and dedication and kudos to Anjali for bulldozing your apprehensions away.
You write so well that it all comes alive and leave me speechless
You are a poet Dadhi, and unstoppable. Your personality shines through in every line, and it has been fantastic to walk along with you through these updates! Looking forward to your next chapters, and I hope that fortune smiles and I will get to walk with you in person one of these days. Be well!!
Thanks for sharing.Interesting and admire your courage
Amazing experience, incredible write-up, made us ‘feel’ the Trail! Thanks Nitin for sharing your stories and all the best!!!!
“Sir salamat to pagadi pachaas!” True that.
Very profound Nitin. Loved your thoughts on overcoming biases.
Incredible..the flow of feelings, words is so effective that one can experience it . Very few are able to look within and that can not be achieved without leaving comfort zone… inspiring
Amazing Nitin Kaka! Your journey is so brave and inspiring. Wish you all the strength to keep taking the road less traveled by, can’t wait to see what you do next!
नितीन, तुझे सलाम. You have taken the right decision about completing your goal cautiously over next couple of years even though it was a hard decision and must have caused a lot of anguish. I look forward to hearing/reading more of your un-told stories in the coming days. All the best.
Nicely Written. Every day is a new experience if one is willing to take it in.
It must be a tough decision but a wise one.
Nitin dada jiyenge to aur ladenge.
Take care stay safe and healthy.
” शांतता ही एखाद्या डोहासारखी भासते, त्यात पुष्कळ खोल असे काही असते त्याच बरोबर त्यात काही गूढ आणि स्वतः च्या आतले काही ढवळून काढण्याचे सामर्थ्य आहे.”
Simply amazing Nitin!!!! So so proud to have you as a friend and mentor!
You are a true inspiration! Wise decisions by a wise man!!!
Sheetal
Proud of you!
Wow!! Incredible journey and incredibbe reflections. Thank you for sharing your brilliant observations and courage. Very inspiring.
Great job..
Hard to be realistic. I like how you describe giving up your goal really opened up more intense focus on the moment.
What Dadhi left out is that he valiantly kept at it until he achieved his most important goal of the hike, namely spending an evening with me, which happened at Subodh G’s place in Bridgewater, NJ. The rest of the stuff being not that important, the effort was a grand success.
Seriously, as we age inexorably and face a growing mountain of challenges small and large, Dadhi has taught us how to put them in perspective. That lesson will stay with us even if we never set a foot on an actual mountain.
Looking forward to doing a section in NJ with Dadhi and friends!
Nitin, your piece was so well written. I felt like I was on the journey with you. I’m so impressed with how much you did!! Good decision to do sectional hikes. Rest up now.
Experiencing your journey through your vivid descriptions. Beautiful writing, Nitin.
Great news thought process matched with rational action.
We are with you at every step and direction you wish to pursue.
We are experiencing AT through your (पंच-इंद्रिये ) senses and perceptions. Thanks for challenging our thoughts and biases through your writing.
Jyotsna & Mandar
Great thought process matched with rational action.
We are with you at every step and direction you wish to pursue.
We are experiencing AT through your (पंच-इंद्रिये ) senses and perceptions. Thanks for challenging our thoughts and biases through your writing.
Jyotsna & Mandar
Thank you Nitin for letting us be a partners in your experiences ! Outstanding achievement and I am confident there is more to come !
Your blogs are exhilarating and thought provoking! Hats off to your courage and drive for adventure!
Time to enjoy Puranpoli and Katachi Amti now , welcome home ❤️
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself throughout your journey Nitin. It is inspirational that you could surmount your internal and external challenges/doubts and fearlessly embrace each wondrous day.
After reading your excellent Blog, I would like to call you Swami Nitinanda!
We would meet in Albany when you resume ‘mission’ in the future.
Looking forward to peruse the next chapter of this AT story!
“Go on the trail and figure out every day if you can continue!” Such wise words, Anjali. Loved this post too, Nitin. Looking forward to more.
Nitin, we have seen your AT journey and most importantly making-sense-of-life journey with awe and inspiration.
I guess, the goal isn’t or shouldn’t be…reaching the goal or completing the trail. It is more, how the journey has helped you grow and evolve in the process.
You are simply amazing!
And you are our “inspiration pill”
Cheers,
Deepa.
You are a poet Dadhi, and unstoppable!! Your personality shines through in every line and it has been fantastic to walk along with you through these updates. I am looking forward to your next chapters, and I hope that fortune smiles and I will get to walk with you in person one of these days. Be well.
I am sure everyone reading your experience must be thinking “I should give (or should have given) it a shot.”
It is not the failure based on what was not completed but a success that it was tried and completed to whatever extent possible
Hi Nitin..it is always so thrilling and mind-blowing to read your blogs. I feel myself so different after reading the blog which literally takes me into those horrifying situations…I really admire your courage…I am sure, by the end of your trail, you will be a fully changed Nitin, one full of various experiences, knowledge and courage to face any situation in life.
Nitin, thanks for your continuing inspiration to push oneself to achieve goals big or small regardless of the obstacles.
Looking forward to the next amazing chapter.
Wade
Very well articulated AT and appreciate your zeal to overcome all blockades. Thanks for sharing.
Timely and wise decision Nitin . With every roadblock you wrote about, I was feeling anxious and wanted to tell you to terminate the hike but restrained myself. Medico in me is greatly relieved with your decision. You already have your treasure of silence and enriching experiences that will last forever. 326 miles with all those health issues is quite a feat that you have achieved. Heartiest congratulations.Keep sharing. You write so well.
love this baba!! you are amazing <3
Thank You for the inspiring updates. Congratulations on the mental and physical journey.
Priya
Nitin
Excellent ATlogue ..waiting for next chapter
Dadhi,
Love your insightful and entertaining posts. Sad to hear that a thru hike is no longer your destiny. Maybe it was always your destiny was to be a MYTHer (Multi-year thru hiker), like us, all along. We hope to be back on the trail next spring, hopefully we’ll connect again. Stay in touch.
Such a profound lyrical journey, such a powerful yet sublime way to live through life, where your dreams are turning into realties! Every word, thought and observation you have noted, shall enrich you and all your readers! And I am deeply humbled to find that you took along my thoughts and words with you on this magnanimous journey! Thankyou! And I am sure you will have a chance to finish what you have dreamt of! My best wishes for your healing journey now!
Hats off to you for such a sustained and determined navigation through a significant chunk of the trail! Agree with and applaud your decision. You have a gift for storytelling! Keep writing!!
Nitin, Your write up is amazing. This is not an abandonment..it’s just a “pause” in your journey.
Dear Nitin,
As I have said before – there is a breathless quality to your narration. It absolutely pulled me in as a reader, and I could feel the atmosphere at various locations, whether it was with the dudes drinking at the shelter expressing profound thoughts or the noisy cicadas or the quiet trails you were walking on…
I guess saying ‘no’ is hard, no matter how deliberated a decision it is, but then you play hard!
Looking forward to all your stories. A big, big thanks to sharing your deep thoughts – I find them very inspiring.
Cheers and good health,
Shantanu
Always a pleasure to read everything you write
Take care and all the beat for future monthly visits
Suhas
वाह! दाढी, काळजी घे! परवाच तुझा विषय निघाला होता, आम्ही तुझ्या Blogची वाटच पाहत होतो!
Dadhi you at least dreamed and attempted the AT. Which none of us can even imagine. Salute to your spirit of adventure. Withdrawing at the right time is a good decision. We appreciate and respect it. We really liked your updates and really looked forward to them.
Now take some well deserved rest and care.
Nitin:
No worries at all … and we are with you.
Keep going – You have taken the best decision.
You will be recharged soon and enjoy more …
Take good rest and try to add more miles during Fall colors … it will be beautiful.
Special credit to your support team: Anjali, Kids, Family/Friends and other well-wishers!